the following entry has been moved from the other blog for it does not belong to emo genre,or as i feel.
this one is being made into a short movie by one of my friends. the person loved it or as the person put it,"no,i really liked it!" and the person repeated it at least 7 times in the 40 minutes conversation i had over the phone.
it is not the first time that it has happened to me and maybe not the last time as well. as i walk through the streets, kids mock and pass snide remarks at me. i fail to react but always put up my plastic smile. the smile that i have perfected over the years; the smile that has pulled me through innumerable uncomfortable situations and circumstances. i can hear laughters in the background; i was the center of that background a while ago,making everyone laugh and burst into peals of laughter even though they were in pain. people have always been in pain or at least the ones that i have met. i filter the people i meet and make them happy; eternally in pain and temporarily happy.
it is not the first time that i have made people smile, even if at my own cost, the smile has been priceless for me. i, among a myriad of self-righteous maggots, feel that i have the super ability to tie loose ends, and to loosen knots. people look at me and can barely make out if i am a victim of any societal issue if any whatsoever; i am the issue and yet they turn a blind eye. i still smile beautifully as i always thought that the most beautiful smile came when one was traumatized. i fail to address any emotion but the one within me and yet not react to things. the reactions are lost in the mist of the outside world and how i must be fine with things. i rarely cry for i have forgotten to cry; i often smile for i have learnt to. i just keep god in my head and mirth if nothing in my heart, hoping that things will turn out the way they are supposed to one day, the way god intended to, but what is god's will is something that i have pushed aside after years of discomfort, comprehending and dissociating from external factors. god's will is pure, the world is supposed to be pure.
it is not the first time that i look at my bare skin for any visible signs of purity,aggression or revolt but i see none. my body has exchanged passions with others, sometimes naturally while sometimes forcibly, in the hope of passion being restored when my body would react but my mind wouldn't; maybe it was my passive love. my body has adapted to my heart while my heart has adapted to my eyes. they take things as they come, slow, clean and unaffected. slow as the waterfall but no sound, clean like black and white snapshots of a corpse, no drama, no emotion, just plain and silent, and unaffected like the one who has been vomiting blood for several years and can not feel the fear anymore, the fear of love, life, hope or anything that makes a being run. i walk with a soul carrying a weighted body, too heavy to carry itself with the limbs moving effortlessly in a regressive progression, as if every step were to retrace its own path. i look in the mirror and see my sockets going deeper every passing day with a silhouette of black under it. i have always used my black to smudge the colors or the lack of it on people with or without feelings. feelings are ethereal, feelings are fleeting, feelings are misleading..i fail to see things clearly after all of this for i understand that it is probably the way i have been made, for emotions. i have devoted myself to this after years of going through it, though, unwittingly at first of course.
it is not the first time that it has happened to me and maybe not the last time as well..and it is not the first time that i have been raped...
dated:21/08/08
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